The Conversation Every Au Pair Family Needs to Have Before Day One
You spent months finding the right au pair. You read profiles, did video calls, compared time zones, weighed personalities. You made the match. And then, on day one, she walks through your door with her suitcase - and you realize you never actually talked about what this will practically look like.
Not in a real way. Not the specifics.
These aren't hypotheticals. These are the conversations that either happen when an au pair arrives, or they happen in awkward, charged moments after something has already gone sideways.
Most au pair arrangements don't fail because of the big things. They unravel over the unspoken ones.
This post is a guide to doing it differently. To get clear on your own values first, then having the kind of upfront conversation that sets both of you up for a genuinely good year together.
Start With Your Values, Not Your Rules
Before you make a single rule, ask yourself: what kind of household am I running? What do I actually need to feel comfortable with another adult living in my home?
Most host families skip this step. They jump straight to logistics — the car, the curfew, the kitchen. But rules without values are arbitrary. And arbitrary rules create resentment on both sides.
A few questions worth sitting with before you write anything down:
What does your household's energy feel like - calm and structured, warm and flexible, busy and social, quiet and private?
What's your biggest fear about this arrangement not working?
What would a dream au pair relationship look like to you - more like a family member, more like a respectful employee, somewhere in between?
Your answers will shape everything else. They'll tell you how strict or flexible to be, what to say yes to without hesitation, and where you need to hold a firm line.
Why Boundaries Are a Gift, Not a Control Move
Many host families want to create a clear set of guidelines but don't know where to start. Here's the reframe that makes it easier.
There's a study I come back to often. Researchers observed children on a playground - first without a fence, then with one. Without the fence, the kids clustered near the building, playing small, using only a fraction of the space. When the fence went up, they spread out. They ran further, explored more. The boundary didn't restrict them. It freed them.
I think about this every time a family brings someone new into their home.
When an au pair arrives without clear expectations, she doesn't feel free — she feels uncertain. She second-guesses small decisions. She doesn't know how far she can go, so she doesn't go far at all. Not because of who she is, but because nobody built the fence.
This is your home. It's your job to build it… not to be controlling, but to create safety, freedom, and comfort for everyone inside it.
The Conversations to Have
Use what follows as your starting point. Not every topic will apply to your family — but go through them anyway, and make a conscious decision about each one. Deliberate silence is different from default silence.
Guests
Who:
Girls only, or girls and boys?
Do you want to meet people before they come over?
Where:
Guests allowed in common spaces?
Bedroom off-limits to all guests, or are there exceptions?
When:
Only when you're home?
When the kids are asleep?
Whenever, with notice?
Food
Are you providing a grocery budget, or is she buying her own food separately?
Can she eat anything in the fridge and pantry freely?
If she finishes something, should she replace it, put it on a list, or just let you know?
Are there things that are yours that she shouldn't touch?
Is she welcome to eat with you at family meals? Expected to? Or would you prefer to keep that time for your family?
Phones, Privacy, and Social Media
Should she have her phone with her while she's on duty, or put away?
Are there specific moments you'd like her phone-free - bathtime, meals, the playground?
Can she take photos of the kids? Do you actually want her to, and send you updates throughout the day?
Can she post on social media? With or without the kids' faces? Do you want approval before anything goes up?
Alcohol and Substances
This one makes families uncomfortable. It shouldn't.
Your au pair is almost certainly a young adult who drinks socially. The question isn't whether she drinks but it's your expectations in the context of your home and your children.
The non-negotiable that almost every host family shares: never drink before or during duty. But how you say it matters as much as what you say.
Try this:
"We're really relaxed about your social life and what you do on your off hours. The one hard line for us: no drinking within X hours of being on with the kids. We know that's obvious to you - we just want to say it out loud so we're all on the same page."
And add:
"If you ever have a night out that goes later than expected and you're feeling off the next morning, please tell us. We'd much rather know and figure it out together than have you push through."
The same openness applies to anything else in this category. Clear expectations, said without judgment, invite honest responses.
The Car
Driving with your children is one of the highest-responsibility things you're asking your au pair to do. It deserves a real conversation.
What trips is she authorized to take with the kids during work hours?
Can she use the car on her days off? Locally only? With a mileage limit? With advance notice?
Who handles gas?
What are your non-negotiables while driving with the kids?
And critically: if something happens (even something minor) who does she call first, and what's the protocol?
That last one matters more than people realize. An au pair who knows you want a call even for a small fender-bender, and that you won't overreact, is infinitely more likely to tell you the truth when something goes wrong.
Discipline and Parenting Approach
Your au pair will be with your children for hours every day. She will encounter tantrums, boundary-pushing, and moments where she has to make a call. Does she know what you want her to do?
What's your general approach to discipline?
Do you use time-outs, redirection, natural consequences?
Are there specific phrases or responses you use that you'd like her to mirror for consistency?
What should she do if a child is hitting, biting, or having a big meltdown?
Is there anything you do not want her to say or do, even casually?
When in doubt, what's the rule? Intervene, or hang back and let you handle it?
You don't need to write a parenting philosophy document. You just need to give her enough to not feel stranded when something hard happens.
When She's Sick
You planned her schedule. You didn't plan for her to have a fever on a Tuesday.
If she wakes up sick, how much notice does she need to give you and by when?
What's the threshold? A mild cold she pushes through, or anything symptomatic stays away from the kids?
Do you have a backup plan, and does she need to help you find coverage or is that your responsibility?
Does sick time come out of her personal days or is it separate?
Having this conversation when everyone is healthy makes it so much easier when it actually comes up.
Household Tasks
Her role is the children. But the edges can get blurry, and blurry edges breed resentment.
Is she expected to tidy up after the kids during her shift - dishes from snacks, picking up toys, wiping down the high chair?
Are there any light household tasks that fall within her scope - a load of kids' laundry, unloading the dishwasher?
What is explicitly not her job?
Be specific. "Help around the house" is not a job description. Clarity here is kindness.
Her Personal Life and Relationships
You're not her parent. But you are her host family, and some of this does affect your home.
If she's in a relationship, are you comfortable with her partner visiting? Staying over?
Is there a process for introducing you to people who will be spending time in your home?
How do you feel about her coming home late on weeknights before a workday?
You don't have to police her personal life. You do have to be honest about what works for your household.
Emergencies
Beyond the car - what does she do in an actual emergency?
Who does she call first if a child is hurt?
Where is your first aid kit?
Does she know any medical information about your children she'd need to share with emergency services?
Do you have a signed medical consent form that authorizes her to make decisions if you are unavailable?
Is there a neighbor or nearby person she can go to if she can't reach you?
Write this down. Put it somewhere she can find it when she's panicking.
The Rule That Underlies All the Others: Communication Culture
Here's the real secret… t's not the rules or guidelines. It's the communication culture you build from day one.
Rules work when both people feel safe enough to talk about them. When your au pair knows she can tell you something went wrong without fear of overreaction, and when you feel like you can bring something up while it's still small.
Build that culture on purpose.
Set up a weekly 15-minute check-in - not to evaluate her, just to stay connected. Tell her explicitly what you want her to come to you about, even if it feels embarrassing or like she should have known better. Name your non-negotiables as a foundation, not as threats. You might not need this forever, but for at least a few weeks to get in the habit of open lines of communication is super helpful!
And say this to her on day one, before anything has gone wrong:
"We want to be the kind of family you feel safe being honest with. That matters more to us than perfection."
It's the single most useful thing you can tell her.
Making Your Own Guide
Take the categories above and go through them with your partner before your au pair arrives. Make actual decisions - not "we'll figure it out." Write them down. Then sit down with her in the first few days and go through them together, giving her space to ask questions and tell you if anything feels unclear.
This isn't a contract. It's the beginning of a relationship.
The families who take the time to be deliberate before day one will have better years. Not because they got lucky. Because they built the fence.
Written for host families navigating the au pair experience with intention. Save this. Share it with a friend who just matched with their first au pair.
